JK Rowling is right. Woke men ruin beards for the rest of us

Gillette says sales of its razors have soared 30% over the past year. You may think the reason is obvious. After letting go during confinement, the men decided to pull themselves together for their return to the office. But I think the reason is actually quite different.

Most men simply don’t dare to wear beards anymore. Because they fear being mistaken for an insufferable woke activist who hates women.

There is no escaping it. Lately, the beard has become synonymous with a very specific type of man. Last weekend, JK Rowling gave them a name: “beardsplainers”. These are men who, despite claiming to be impeccably progressive, seem to spend every waking moment on social media putting women down. And, without exception, absolutely all of these men have beards. It is an integral part of their look. Just like punks have mohicans and monks have shaved crowns, woke men have beards.

As a result, I fear facial hair will forever be associated with leftist complacency. It’s a sad thought. Once upon a time, the beard was a proud symbol of British greatness. In Victorian times, every self-respecting man in Britain had a beard the size of a yew. And that was, remember, the time when Britain ruled the world. The zenith of our nation’s power and status. Is it really just a coincidence that as the popularity of beards waned during the 20th century, our country’s global influence also waned? When Delilah had Samson’s hair cut, it sapped his strength. Cutting off our magnificent Victorian beards, it seems to me, had exactly the same effect on Britain.

Ten years ago, the beard finally returned triumphantly to fashion. Among men in their 20s and 30s, facial hair has become almost ubiquitous. But thanks to the rise of the Insufferable Bearded, those days are now definitely over. As with everything they touch, the awakened have ruined the beards of the rest of us.

For me, the evolution is particularly painful, because I often have a beard myself. My look oscillates between “chubby George Michael” and complete Captain Haddock. Still, now I guess I’m going to have to bother shaving every morning. Otherwise, strangers will take me for a brocialist preening and plugging in podcasts. Nervous pedestrians will rush across the road, lest I’m about to lecture them about sexist feminists or late capitalism.

Fortunately, there is a small glimmer of hope. Volodymyr Zelensky, the hero of the hour, has excellent facial hair. And no one could call him awake.

Once he’s done saving Ukraine, maybe he’ll save the beard too.

These eco-friendly nuts will peel off

They are back. After taking the winter off, radical climate protesters have returned to wreak havoc and dismay across the country, blocking roads and taping their body parts to every available surface. For several days now, they have blocked oil depots on both sides of Great Britain. Thus, on Sunday, the LBC radio station invited a protester into the studio to interview him on the latest stunts of his comrades. This, however, turned out to be a naive mistake.

Because, live on the air, the protester stuck his hand to the studio equipment.

Such behavior may seem strange. Personally, however, I was more intrigued by LBC’s response. The post called the police and asked them to get the protester out. It would surely have been more logical not to bother. Just leave it in the studio indefinitely, glued to the equipment. The presenters could then have held a contest, with listeners being asked to predict how long the protester could hold out before desperately trying to peel their hand off. And how long it would take him to succeed. They could have offered a big cash prize to the listener whose guess came closest. It would have provided hours, days or even weeks of engrossing entertainment.

Lawyers for LBC may have feared the station could be sued for forcible confinement. But I don’t see why. After all, LBC didn’t imprison him. He imprisoned himself.

Still too late now. The protester was quickly released and his comrades’ campaign continues. There seems to be little hope of stopping them. Unless the country finally responds to my appeal last summer.

As I explained at the time, there is only one way to stop these protesters from blocking things. And that is to block them first. Every morning, we, the long-suffering citizens, must hold peaceful demonstrations in front of protesters’ homes, sit on their garden paths and stick to their bicycles and electric cars. This way, they won’t be able to get out and cause more disturbances.

“Way of the World” is a twice-weekly satirical look at headlines while aiming to poke fun at the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday

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