WASHINGTON, DC — White House press secretary Jen Psaki announced the Biden administration’s plans to forgive up to $50,000 in student loans for each of the country’s 43 million Americans who have borrowed, emphasizing that the student loan cancellation will be paid in Kohl’s Cash.
This loan cancellation program is hailed as brilliant, as the retailer’s coupons eclipsed the value of the inflation-affected US dollar.
“Kohl’s student loan forgiveness program will ease the heavy debt burden of hard-working Americans who thought it was a good idea to borrow money for a degree in gender studies,” Psaki said while keeping a straight face. “With the burden of debt lifted – and just in time for Kohl’s spring-abration sale – millions of people can now pursue their dream careers as Starbucks employees.”
However, not everyone agrees that $1.3 trillion in student debt should be paid off this way, especially the millions of Americans whose homes are raided by security guards. who ruthlessly rummage through Kohl’s plastic bags for Kohl’s Cash that the owners swear they were going to use before the expiration date.
As of press time, the White House welcomed the new head of the Kohl’s Cash student loan forgiveness program, citing decades of experience using Kohl’s Cash: Your Mom.
Update: The program has ended, as all Kohl’s Cash coupons have now expired.
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